Real Life
by DeathandJunkfood
Summary: Life after Hogwarts is ... quiet. Joining the Order of the Phoenix comes with a surprising amount of bureaucracy, Godric's Hollow is an extremely small village, and James and Lily are 19 years old and not quite sure what to do with themselves. The unwanted peacefulness that fills their lives is shattered when they uncover a Death Eater plot that could change the course of the war.
1. Life Goes On

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR**_

* * *

"Y'know," Lily said, staring straight ahead. " _I_ was planning on going into Magical Law."

"Quidditch or dragons," James said glumly.

"I'm just a little bit irritated that we're being recruited for a secret vigilante spy group right after graduation."

"You're not, really"

"Not really."

They were sitting in the parlor of an unremarkable townhouse in a greyish suburb on the outskirts of London. It was tastefully decorated, yet forgettable, in shades of grey and beige and inoffensive blue. James fidgeted on the classically designed chesterfield.

"When did you first hear about the Order?" she asked James.

He shrugged. "Dunno. I just started hearing about it 'round school, but no one had any actual information. You?"

"Summer after fifth year. Marlene told us all about it while we were having a picnic in Anna's garden. Bit of a liability, now that I think about it. Fifteen year olds shouting about it in the back yard."

"Is that what girls talk about?" James asked curiously. "Underground vigilante fight groups?"

"Yep. That's Thursdays. On Mondays we topple governments."

"Lovely."

They sat in silence for a while longer. The air in the parlor was still and filled with dust motes. It felt dead and thick, like no one had breathed it in, or disturbed it in quite a while. In the end, it had been Marlene who had brought it up casually during a night at the village pub in Godric's Hollow.

She had been on her second Muggle whiskey and soda of the night, and there had been a touch of pink, high on her sharp, tan cheekbones.

"I'm very bored without you lot around," she had complained. "Even catching Death Eaters is no fun."

"What d'you mean?" James had asked, eyes narrowed. "You've just started Auror training."

"Extracurriculars," Marlene had stage whispered.

Lily huffed. The pub was dark and a little bit smoky, and the three of them, plus Sirius, were crammed into a dim booth at the very back. The seats were cracked leather and the wooden table was stained, with a few burn marks, but she could smell whiskey and peanuts and chips and all in all, it seemed like a safe, comforting place.

"That's a thing?" Sirius asked. "Like, I dunno, rowing? You can just sign up to go and catch yourself a Death Eater?"

Marlene hiccupped.

"Basically," she said, waving her fingers airily. They were painted a pale blue. She did not exactly look like the sort who would roam around catching Death Eaters as an alternative to after-work drinks.

"It's called the Order of the Phoenix," she elaborated. "We're always looking for members."

Lily tapped her foot edgily against the light blonde wood of the coffee table, jarring back to the present.

It had been Marlene who had sent them a Patronus with the address for the house, and instructions for traveling. They didn't know if Sirius was also coming, or if he had already joined, or if his initiation would take place later. They were completely in the dark and Lily hated it.

"We've been here for an hour," she said, tapping her foot some more.

James checked his watch. "Fifty-five minutes," he corrected.

"Pedant," Lily muttered.

They had graduated from Hogwarts three months ago, and had been married for a month, and as they fidgeted and traded nervous looks, they both felt very young and uncertain again.

"Is this even legal?" James wondered.

"Most definitely not," said Lily, smiling a little bit. "Vigilante groups are typically frowned on."

"Must be because of their non-existent punctuality."

"We try to take appropriate precautions, Mr. Potter," a mild voice replied. "We do not wish to put you in any undue danger."

Lily didn't appear to have moved, but James could see her fingertips resting on her wand. From a distance, she looked still, almost lazy, but he could see the movement of her eyes and the tightness of her shoulders.

Out of the shadows from behind the parlor door stepped a man.

He was tall and slender with brilliant blonde hair and Lily felt like she knew him. She frowned, trying to place him.

"Bliss?" James said, frowning.

"Most assuredly not," the man said, but he looked amused.

"Bliss is your daughter, isn't she? Bliss and David?"

The man sighed. "That's the problem with our world – so small already and then we meet everyone at school. I'm Edgar Bones. I've been placed in charge of you for now."

James stood, and Lily's fingers flickered away from where they'd been resting on her wand. Edgar Bones caught the movement, and met her eyes evenly, smiling slightly.

* * *

Edgar Bones led them into the narrow basement of the townhouse, which made James crack an ill-timed joke about serial killers and horror movies, and sat them on the rather damp smelling couch. As far as initiation into a secret crime fighting organization went, it was remarkably tame and Lily was feeling slightly disappointed.

That is, until Edgar Bones pulled out two clear vials from his pocket and handed one to each of them.

"Veritaserum. If you take it, it is under no duress and in full knowledge of the consequences."

Lily looked at it nervously. Once, she had played Truth or Dare with diluted Veritaserum.

"Why?" James asked.

"So we can know that you are sincere, and have had no contact with Death Eaters."

James shrugged, and downed the potion. Lily was about to shout – shouldn't they have talked this through? Discussed? Made the choice together? But they wanted to fight, didn't they? They had come all this way, on a rainy Sunday afternoon, because they needed this, because this was their only course of action.

She drank the potion and tasted nothing.

"Right," said Edgar. "Let's begin."

"Have you ever had contact with Voldemort or his Death Eaters?"

It was such a strange sensation – Lily struggled to describe it. It wasn't as if she was being forced into telling him things – it was more as if she _wanted_ to. As if she wanted to spill secrets and shame out into the open until she was empty and clean.

"No," Lily said, and James echoed her.

"Do you think Muggles and Muggleborns are inferior?"

"No."

"Do you want to join the Order of the Phoenix to bring us down?"

"No."

"Are you working with anyone else?"

"No."

It went on. At a certain point, Lily realized that she didn't have to actually think – she could just relax and let her body respond to the questions.

"What is your greatest secret?" Edgar asked, finally, blue eyes sharp even in the dimness of the basement.

Panic, sudden and flighty in her limbs. Some corner of her brain screamed. _No, no, no, close your mouth, don't answer, no._

"At graduation. Death Eaters attacked Hogwarts. One sent a curse at me – I used the Shield Charm – it rebounded. I think it killed her. I never checked."

"I'm an illegal Animagus."

Neither of them looked at each other. Edgar raised an eyebrow.

"Well," he said. "Quite the interesting pair."

Lily winced. Beside her, James looked at his hands.

"Why," James asked haltingly, "Did you ask that?"

"Insurance," Edgar smiled.

"Blackmail," Lily said dully.

"If you want to be crude about it."

"So is that it?" James asked. "Are we in?"

"Nearly. Go home. We'll contact you. The potion ought to wear off soon"

Lily and James left him in the basement. They exited the townhouse casually, walking through the grey little town and passing tired looking business people. Lily noticed with some alarm that the Veritaserum was still having an effect on her – if someone asked her a question at that moment, she would tell them everything. When they reached the edge of town, they Disapparated.

"Bloody hell," James said, slumping down in an armchair by the fireplace of their small cottage. Lily perched on the arm of it. Their cottage was cozy and small, bordered by tall evergreens and a stream at the back of it. Their garden was filled with roses, transplanted from the Potter mansion up on the hill overlooking the village. It was the place Lily had felt most at home in since her parents had died.

"Why didn't Marlene warn us?" James wanted to know.

"Maybe she couldn't," Lily suggested. "There's probably rules around telling your mates all about it."

James snorted. "Since when has Marlene followed rules?"

Lily leaned back against him, comfortable in the overstuffed armchair. It was a bright red velvet, and it clashed horribly with the sapphire blue footstool. Their house was an interior decorator's nightmare, if she was being honest. It was filled with colorful fabrics, wobbly wooden furniture, and random knick-knacks. She liked it, though. It felt like home.

She could feel James starting to relax, the tension leaving him as she held his hand.

"Are we sure about this?" she asked quietly.

"Bit late now."

"True."

They were quiet for a moment. When Marlene had told them about it, it had seemed so… exciting. Children, playing war games. Lily didn't know if wizard children did that the same way that Muggles did.

Fake guns, deliciously forbidden violence, 'I got you! You're dead!'

"We'll be fine," Lily said aloud, not sure if she was trying to reassure herself or James. "This is what we've wanted, for years. We'll be fine."

James squeezed her hand and she smiled, leaning down to brush her lips against his.

They heard nothing for several weeks.

* * *

After Lily married James, she was faced with the not-altogether-pleasant realization that if she so wished, she would never have to work a day in her life. Both Euphemia and Fleamont had done very well in their chosen fields, and James still retained majority shares in his father's successful potions business, though he'd passed off leadership of the company to his father's protégée. All of this meant that the young Potters were quite fabulously wealthy. They always paid for their friends' drinks when they went to the pub.

It wasn't terrible. It meant they were able to take care of the people they loved, and do what they wanted, but Lily did get bored. She'd not made many friends in the village. There was a Muggle woman about her age, who'd moved next door with her husband and young daughter, there was a couple that had been Hufflepuffs in the year above James and Lily halfway across town, and then there were their friends from school, who were not able to visit nearly often enough.

A week after their meeting in the townhouse, she cornered James early one morning.

"We should get jobs," she announced.

"Doing what?" James looked quite alarmed. He clutched a mug of tea in one hand, his red dressing-gown half falling open. He was wearing pajamas that were covered in Golden Snitches, and Lily smirked at him.

"I dunno," Lily shrugged. "Useful things."

"We are untrained teenagers," James pronounced. "We have no marketable skills. Besides, it's not like we need the money."

Lily removed the mug of tea from his hand, and took out the teabag before it steeped too long. She reached behind him for the milk and then handed it back.

"I just… feel a bit… unfulfilled."

"I thought that's why we were joining the Order."

"Yeah, but we haven't heard back."

James sighed, taking a swig of tea. He winced, and Lily passed him the sugar. "I'm assuming that getting recruited into a vigilante fight-club is a bit more complicated than owling a resume to the Leaky Caldron."

Lily frowned. "I guess I miss feeling busy."

"Ah yes," James said dryly. "I too miss the sleepless nights, constant nerves, and ever-present homework."

She whacked him with the newly arrived copy of the Prophet and moved to the toaster, starting to slice bread. He pulled out the butter and jam.

"If the Order doesn't come through, I'm getting a job. You used to want to be an Auror, James, what happened to that?"

"We graduated three months ago, got married, my parents died, and we basically applied to join an army. I feel fairly productive."

Lily jerked back. She hadn't meant that. When James' parents died, his reaction hadn't been nearly as dramatic as her own had been when her parents had died. Maybe she had discounted it, because they coped differently. James hadn't been back to the Potter mansion since the wedding, he didn't talk about his parents, he didn't visit their graves in the little churchyard, but sometimes he had a thousand yard stare that scared Lily. Lily visited the Potter graves every Saturday. She brought them flowers and told them about their son.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean… of course, you're right. We deserve a bit of a break."

He set his tea down and she set the slice of toast she was buttering down, and they hugged, standing in the middle of the warm, cluttered kitchen.

"I love you," he told her, smoothing her hair back. "We'll sort it out."

* * *

Life went on. If James was being honest, he was bored too. Godric's Hollow was a small town, with a small town's pettiness and penchant for gossip. They had dinner with their Hufflepuff neighbors and heard all about how the owner of the Apothecary had married a man ten years her junior, and how sure they were that he was just after her gold. They had drinks at the pub with the Muggles next door, and heard about the intense competition between the Catholic and Presbyterian Church. They went to the meeting at the town hall and heard about the question of the new statue in the town square and were asked their opinions on picket fences versus shrubbery.

James hadn't spent much time in Godric's Hollow, growing up. His memories were of sun drenched summers, of games of Quidditch in the clearing, swimming in the freezing lake in the forest. Lily had only been once or twice, and then for the wedding.

It was a little less magical when you actually had to interact with the villagers.

Both of them were bored. At dinner, they didn't talk. There wasn't much to talk about. Lily cultivated the garden, and he cooked and cleaned, and the two of them were perfectly, quietly miserable.

* * *

When the owl arrived, James was at the end of his patience, but he hadn't really wanted to admit to Lily that she was right.

Lily read out the letter that the owl carried.

" _The party's at ten,_ " she read. " _Marlene's hosting. See you there."_

"Marlene?" James asked. "We're just supposed to go to her flat?"

Lily shook her head. "Nah, can't be. Does Marlene have a cottage, or some other property?"

"Doubt it," James said. "I don't think she's that well-off."

The two of them sat down across from one another at the kitchen table, frowning. The scrap of parchment sat between them. James had been excited for a moment. The Order was thrill, danger, a path that would let him help people. They both needed something to wake them up and shake them out of their sleepy village.

"Didn't Marlene throw a party in seventh year?" Lily asked slowly.

"There were a truly distressing amount of parties in seventh year."

"True. But there was a specific one – she found a cave, in Hogsmeade. Round the mountain."

"Was that the one when Anna challenged Sirius to an arm wrestling match?"

Lily's smile flashed, quick and surprising. James hadn't seen her smile properly in a while.

"Probably," she admitted. "Maybe that's where they mean. D'you think?"

James considered. As far as mysterious locations went, it was a good one. Halfway up a mountain, dark, chilly, hidden.

"Seems as likely as anywhere," he agreed.

* * *

James supposed he was just getting used to real life. It was a big adjustment. He had gone from Hogwarts, where three meals a day were provided, where house-elves did everything, where he was safe, protected, where he didn't have to think about the war – to this. To marriage. To life without his parents, to life with Lily, to fear. Probably everyone went through this.

Lily certainly seemed to be. He worried about her. She seemed restless.

They had been perhaps, unrealistic. Neither of them had really thought much about life after school. In his mind, they would graduate, marry, and simply slip away into the sunset.

"I love you," he said hastily, as they started up the foot of the mountain. Lily gave him a slightly odd look. "I love you too," she said, smiling.

It was a steep hike, and James wished they could Apperate to the top. But neither of them quite remembered where it was, or what it looked like, and that was a recipe for Splinching themselves.

Hogsmeade was misty and cold, and no one was out. It was unseasonable weather for this early in the fall, and James suspected Dementors. There had been a surge in sightings recently, following a mass escape from Azkaban. He felt a bit nostalgic as they walked through the empty village. The Three Broomsticks was dark and shuttered, and so was Honeydukes. He missed Hogwarts terribly sometimes.

"Lily," James said, following her up a narrow path that seemed more designed for goats. "Are you happy?"

Lily didn't say anything for a moment. Her brilliant red hair was pulled back severely into a bun at the nape of her neck. Her pale skin was silvery in the moonlight. The black clothing that she wore seemed to absorb the light.

"I'm not _unhappy_ ," she said carefully, not turning to look at him.

"That's not what I asked," he told her.

"I know," she said, and sighed. "James, it's not you."

"Thanks," he said, a little more acidly than he meant.

"I feel useless. Like I'm not doing anything. I look at Marlene – and she's building a career, she's fighting Death Eaters. Remus is fighting for werewolf rights, and I have no idea what the hell Sirius is doing, but I bet it's cool, and then I look at you and me and we're growing heirloom tomatoes."

Lily seemed to let it all out in a rush, like a balloon deflating. She kept picking her way up the path, watching the gravelly surface.

"In our defense," James said lightly, "the tomatoes make an excellent spaghetti sauce."

Lily snorted a laugh.

"I understand, though," he continued. "I feel the same way. I want to be _doing_ something to help fight this war."

Lily nodded once, quickly.

"No matter what happens with the Order, we'll do something, Lily. We'll figure it out."

She held up a hand, halting him and shushing him all at once.

They had found the cave.

It was shielded by vines and covered in moss. A boulder concealed half of the entrance. James shivered. It had been much more inviting looking on the night of Marlene's party. She'd filled it with golden candlelight, blankets, and music. Today it was misty and damp and dank. Lily offered him her hand.

The two of them entered together.

Lily sighed in irritation.

"They'd better not make us wait an hour again."

Inside, the cave was unexpectedly lovely. Some dim moonlight entered, shining on stalactites that were as delicate and slender as wands. There were crystal formations on the walls, and they glimmered shyly, sparkling from one angle and invisible from the next. James caught his breath, craning his neck. Smooth waterfalls of calcium carbonate rippled down one wall. The pristineness of the cave was stunning. James hadn't remembered this.

Lily carefully took a seat on a low rock, and James lowered himself next to her.

"Remind you of Hogwarts?" she asked, and James nodded.

"I miss it."

"Me too."

It was dark enough that Lily was just a shadowy silhouette, and James reached to tuck a loose piece of scarlet hair behind her ear. She had felt distant, lately. They didn't spend their evenings on the chesterfield with their books anymore. At night, she faced away, on the very edge of the bed. He didn't know what had happened or how to address it, because it was so subtle. It was like living with a polite stranger.

"I miss you, Lily," James said, reaching for her hand in the dark.

He heard her inhale, startled, and then he saw the bright shine of a _lumos_.

Edgar entered the cave, smiling mildly in the light of his spell.

"Good evening. I hope the instructions were not too cryptic."

"They were fine," Lily said sharply. "So what now? Initiation? Do we have to fight a troll? Catch a Death Eater?"

"Nothing so dramatic as that," Edgar told her. He extinguished his wand. "Typically, we like to have a sense of recruits' abilities. Special skills, that sort of thing."

"D'you want a copy of our N.E.W.T marks?"

Edgar sighed. "I do enjoy the witty back and forth, but I was trying to explain something."

James closed his mouth and sat back.

"Thank you. The two of you will be conducting surveillance on a member of the Wizengamot who we believe to be working with the Death Eaters. It'll be simple – just report on what you see and leave the rest to the Order. There will be more details sent to you tomorrow."

Edgar finished speaking, looked at them, and then Disapperated.

James blinked. "Bit rude, isn't he?"

"What did you mean," Lily said, "when you said you missed me?"

She looked straight ahead at one of the crystal formations. It shone like diamonds. They had never gotten wedding rings. James wasn't quite sure why. Lily had never even had an engagement ring. Something about the idea seemed nice, some physical display of love, of belonging to one another.

"I know you're bored," James told her. "In the village. I know there's not much to talk about. I know we both miss Hogwarts. But… it feels like you're a stranger, Lily. When was the last time you kissed me?"

Lily turned towards him. Her mouth looked tight. "Two weeks ago," she whispered, and it occurred to James, maybe she was counting too. Maybe he was a stranger too.

"But it was just a quick kiss – I think it was good morning – shit, James, what the hell happened to us?"

He shook his head. "I dunno. We stopped talking. Stopped putting any effort in."

She looked at him and raised an eyebrow. And kissed him.

He'd forgotten the fire that came with kissing Lily. It was like Firewhiskey, burning against his mouth, searing his heart. She tangled her fingers in his hair carefully, feeling just a little bit stiff, and he cradled her neck, breaking away and kissing the sharp curve of her jaw. Her skin was thin there, almost translucent, and she shivered under his hands. It felt like walking on eggshells, James thought, like touching china.

Lily seemed to realize this, because she climbed off of her perch on her rock and into his lap, tilting his head back and opening his mouth with her own. He gasped against her lips as she tangled their tongues. It was ungraceful and profoundly out-of-sync and just the littlest bit awkward because it had been far too long since she had kissed him like this.

He bit her lower lip gently, and set one hand at the small of her back, just edging under the hem of her jumper. Lily pulled away, resting her forehead on his and breathing heavily. He could see her eyes sparkling. Her cheeks were just the slightest bit flushed, dark in the faint moonlight.

"I suppose that's one way to get out of a rut," James whispered, nearly against her lips.

She grinned. "We'll sort it out, yeah? But the cottage is probably more comfortable than a cave."

"Yeah," he agreed, setting his hands at her hips and helping her slip off his lap. She pulled him to his feet, and rested her head against his chest, swaying in place for just a moment. Like they were dancing.

The last time they had danced was at their wedding. Lily had slipped off her shoes, and the two of them had swayed on the dark, cool grass, under the stars. He didn't remember what song had been playing for their first dance – only that it was soft and sweet and a little bit sad, and it had made his heart swell with both love and fear of losing her.

He wouldn't lose her. And she wouldn't lose him. They would be ok. They just had to learn how to talk again, how to put in the effort again. And also join a vigilante spy group, but James thought that that would be the easier task, on the whole.

* * *

 _ **A.N. Hey folks! I'm following up**_ **A Rise and Fall _with another longer fanfic. You don't need to read that one to understand this one, though. I'd love it if you left a review - I haven't written in months, so I'm rusty as hell, and I would greatly appreciate constructive criticism. Thanks for reading!_**


	2. Secret Agent Wizards

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR**_

* * *

They slept late. Lily woke; her feet tangled with James', the warm, buttery sunlight seeping through the sheets and their blanket to spread itself over their skin. She still felt half asleep, cocooned in lazy heat, and she stretched languorously, trying not to wake James. It was sunny outside, a lovely change from the rainy early October weather. She reached across to brush the hair off of James' forehead, biting her lip. Last night had felt like coming back into her own skin. Like coming home.

She and James had drifted, she knew. Without a purpose, without anything tethering them to one another, they had fallen a little bit away. She still felt like a stranger in her own home, in her own bed, next to her husband. She wasn't sure why. It couldn't just be restlessness, there had to be something _more_ , some underlying cause, apart from the fact that maybe she just wasn't cut out for blissful domesticity and life in a tiny village.

She'd fix it, she promised herself. Sometimes that was all it took – the realization of the problem and the desire to solve it.

"Oi," Lily said, whacking James in the face with a pillow to wake him. "Time to wake up."

James refused to open his eyes, making a face at her. Lily laughed a little bit, feeling some of the worry melt away in the warm sunlight.

"What d'you want to do today?" she asked.

As he opened his mouth, a barn owl soared through the window, a Daily Prophet clutched in its beak. Lily rolled over to scoop some Knuts out of a small bowl on the bedside table to give to the owl. James accepted the newspaper. She dropped the coins in the small leather pouch and turned back to James, noting with some alarm how white he'd gone.

"What's the matter?" she asked urgently.

He opened his mouth, and then closed it, shaking his head.

Lily snatched the paper from him with only a twinge of guilt.

 ** _Hogsmeade Attacked!_**

 ** _On Sunday night, a gang of Death Eaters attacked the small village of Hogsmeade. Megan Wicks was on her way home from bridge club, when she happened upon them. According to Gert Broombrush, who was watching from his bedroom window, the Death Eaters immediately killed her. "It was just dreadful," said Mr Broombrush, greeting us on his front doorstep. "I wish I could've done something, but they would have killed me too!"_**

 ** _It's not known why the Death Eaters were in Hogsmeade, or what Ms Wicks surprised them doing. The Ministry has not yet issued a statement, but Aurors have descended upon the sleepy town._**

"James," she said. " _We_ were there. D'you think Edgar knew?"

"Maybe it was later," James said, still pale.

"She was heading home from bridge club, that doesn't sound especially rowdy. It must have happened when we were in the cave."

James took the paper back and set it down gingerly, like it might explode. There was a perfect hole now, in Lily's heart, like someone had taken a melon-baller to it. The quiet happiness of the warm morning had vanished, and in its place was fear.

The two of them sat quietly, not touching, and not looking at one another, until the owl from the Order arrived. It was a lovely horned owl, which entered through the window almost daintily. It took a fastidious sip of water from the bowl that Lily left on the windowsill before proffering its leg.

Lily unfastened the scrap of parchment. In neat cursive, was ' _Prema Pendya. Every second day'_. She handed it to James.

"I recognize that name!" James said. "I think she was trying to make Muggle Studies compulsory at Hogwarts – why would she be working with Death Eaters?"

"It makes an excellent cover," Lily pointed out, setting the parchment down and swinging her legs out of bed. "No one suspects the politically correct politician of being a bigot."

James followed her down the stairs as she tied a dressing gown around her waist and headed for the kitchen.

"Eggs?" he asked, pulling the frying pan down as Lily pointed her wand at the kettle.

"Please."

It was a well-timed dance – Lily slicing bread from the local bakery and popping it in the toaster, James frying eggs and bacon, and the both of them watching the kettle and pulling out mugs. It felt like they'd been doing it for a very long time, instead of three months.

"So where does Pendya live?" Lily asked, biting into a piece of toast and then passing it to James.

He wrinkled his nose. "London, somewhere, I suppose. The entrance to the Ministry is there after all – maybe she's there too?"

"It'd be nice if they gave us a little more information," Lily said, only a little grumpy. She took a swig of hot tea and winced as it scalded her mouth. "Right. I'll go get dressed and then we can figure it out."

James caught her hand as she stood to leave, and held it for a second, meeting her eyes. She tried to smile reassuringly before pulling away.

* * *

"Why doesn't the wizarding world have phone books?" Lily demanded, once they were right in the thick of Muggle London, standing on King Street. She scowled at a man who bumped into her.

"What's a phone book?" James asked.

Lily sighed. "We can't very well just wander around till we find her, we need information."

A raindrop fell on her nose and she scowled some more. Bad enough that it was so busy she couldn't move, did it have to be raining too?

"Maybe the Floo network?" James suggested. "I think Marlene has contacts."

"We're really bad at this stuff, aren't we?"

"Yep."

* * *

They ended up going to Diagon Alley.

After Flooing to Marlene's, and spending an hour trying to track down Prema Pandya, they emerged into the rain with an address. James felt a certain smugness. Perhaps they wouldn't be so terrible at the detective thing. He could hope, anyways.

Prema Pandya lived on an affluent street in a Muggle neighborhood. Her townhouse was a tall, white edifice with long windows and a bright red door. A posh looking sports car was parked on the street in front. James whistled.

"She's certainly assimilating, isn't she?"

Lily nodded, frowning.

The pair of them were dressed in jeans and jumpers, and they looked like any of the countless other young couples walking around the city.

"Do we just sit here?" James asked. "Is that weird? I don't know how this is supposed to work, Lily."

"She probably won't be home for a while," Lily pointed out. "It's only two. Could we break in?"

James grinned. "Could do," he said. "Good thing I brought the Cloak."

There had been no call to use the Invisibility Cloak since they'd graduated, and James had rather missed it. Sneaking around was fun, even as an adult.

James pulled the Cloak out of his pocket, and after a quick scan for Muggles, tossed it over himself and Lily. It didn't fit quite so well as it used to. They had to crouch, and the breeze made it flap around their ankles as they hurried across the street. Climbing up the narrow stairs took effort.

"Shit! Ouch, James, you arse, you elbowed me in the head!"

"Well you – _fuck_ – _Lily_ that was my _toe_ - _"_

" _Fuck_ -"

"You are the absolute _worst_ secret agent, my _god-_ "

"You idiot – you're going to pull the cloak off-"

"You're the idiot, why did you have to wear boots with a _heel_?"

"Finally," Lily huffed, once they made it to the top of the stairs, more or less intact. "She'll probably have lots of security measures, yeah?"

James nodded. "D'you remember all the unlocking charms Sirius taught us?"

Lily grimaced. "Ah yes. When he was going through his Houdini phase."

He grinned back at her, raising his wand.

" _Alohomora!"_

There was a click, and the red door opened an inch before slamming shut again. James heard what sounded like a tea kettle, shrill and angry. It seemed to be coming from the heavy brass knob.

" _Silencio!"_ he whispered frantically, pointing his wand at the door knob. "Shit – _Silencio!"_

The tea kettle noise stopped.

Lily had been feverishly muttering a steady stream of unlocking charms over the lock, and he could hear the door starting to shake on its hinges.

"Erm," he said. "Lily, I think you should maybe stop-"

The door fell over, into the house with a loud bang, and James winced. Thankfully, on a Monday afternoon, the residential street was quiet, with no one in sight. The two of them hurried in, and Lily levitated the door back into place.

"Whoops," she whispered.

Prema's home was light and airy, with exposed brick accent walls, modern lighting, and molded plastic furniture that looked extremely uncomfortable. James could see hints of magic – in the several broomsticks by the stairs, the caldron on the countertop, and the wireless tuned to the WWN. It did not look like a home owned by a member of the Wizengamot. There were no personal belongings to speak of, no pictures or knick-knacks. Some blandly pleasant black and white photography of the city rested on the walls, and there were at least three thick coffee table books on the coffee table.

Lily headed towards the tall stairs and he hurried after her, not wanting to lose sight of her.

It had felt good to tell her everything, last night. It had been hard, pretending not to have noticed anything wrong with them. He missed the early days of their relationship. They were both hot tempered, so dating Lily was half apologizing to her and half being enraged by her. There was a fair amount of snogging too, if James was honest.

That had been them, for the longest time. Kisses and sex and fights and fury. And now … it wasn't a mellowing so much as it was a watering down, a weakening. James hated it. But now, seeing Lily's bright green eyes sparkle with the thought of a secret, of danger, he felt more alive than he had in months.

"Maybe she'll have some stuff in her diary," Lily suggested. She had found Prema's desk – a heavy, white plastic creation with a few sharp looking quills lying on it and a sheet of parchment. Her diary had been in the first drawer.

"Of course. Muggle torture – 11 am. Secret collusion meetings – 2 pm. Tea with Voldemort – 3 pm."

Lily opened the fat blue book, running her finger down the creamy page. On today's space, there was a single note.

 _Convince_ _her_ _._

The handwriting was strong, in a deep blue ink. James frowned at it for a moment, and then looked at the lone sheet of parchment on the desk. The handwriting didn't match. The parchment was covered in a thin, spiky scrawl. A double 'P' was signed at the bottom.

"Prema didn't write this," James said, tapping the diary.

"Well if she didn't, who did?"

"That's a very good question."

James picked up one of the quills and searched for an ink pot for a second. Finding one, he dipped the quill in and let a single drop fall onto the page of the diary. It disappeared.

"What the fuck?" Lily muttered, touching the page. It was gone, with no trace of smeared sapphire ink.

"I hope whoever's on the other end didn't see that."

"James, what do you mean? What's on the other end?"

"It's a spell," James said, setting the book down carefully. "A very complicated one … it was developed in WWII – a way for wizards and even some Muggles to communicate. Two books. Whatever one person writes, the other sees. You don't need magic to use them."

Lily was silent for a moment. "So it would just look like a jumble of disconnected messages."

"Exactly. And you can Vanish them by crossing them through. It was priceless during the war – no risk of interception, no delivery time… but you wouldn't use it unless you have something to hide. The Order was right."

Lily grinned. " _Yay._ "

They got out of Prema's house quickly, wiping fingerprints and replacing her protective charms. James just hoped no one at the other end of the book had seen the ink blot. And that raised the question of the original message in the book. Who was _her_? And what did she need convincing of?

* * *

"Lily!" James stuck his head out the back door. Lily was gardening, her hands muddy and scratched, a giant straw hat on her head. He wasn't quite sure where she'd acquired it – it was the approximate size of a small planet, and it covered her entire face.

Their garden was small but well kept. Rambling flower beds bordered a neat lawn, with an apple tree in one corner. It was fenced in on two sides by hedgerow, with a narrow, crystalline stream running along the back of it. James saw water pixies in there sometimes, and the occasional trout. It was freezing cold, but good drinking water, and it tasted better than what came from the taps. Lily had rigged up a make-shift pump and hose that brought drinking water into the kitchen. In the summer time, the garden was filled with fairies and golden light. Now, it was a little bit brittle, but still full of rich, warm, colors that made James think of bonfires and roasted chestnuts. A wall of climbing roses had just died, and Lily was pruning their herb garden for winter. She sat back on her heels, resting her hands on her thighs. She was wearing cut off jean shorts, even in the dying gasps of summer.

"Yes?" she said, setting down her shears.

"Sirius, Mary, Marlene, and Remus are coming round for dinner, what d'you want me to make?"

Lily squinted. "I think we have an abundance of cheese, at the moment. Why don't you make pizza? And where's Peter?"

James shrugged. "Pizza?"

"I taught you how last month."

" _Muggle."_

"But pizza is _delicious_."

James grinned at her – muddy, disheveled, and beautiful.

"Alright," he said. "I'll make pizza."

* * *

Their friends started arriving at seven - Sirius presenting Lily with a bottle of oak matured mead, Remus offering flowers. Marlene offloaded her cloak on James. Mary arrived a few minutes later with a baguette that she shoved at James before embracing Lily.

The living room was just large enough to contain the six of them. It was cozy, with curved arches and walls that were painted honey gold. Thick rugs that Lily had picked out at an antique shop covered the hardwood floor. The man who had sold them had sworn up and down that they used to fly.

"So," Marlene said ten minutes later, once she was installed in an armchair with a martini. She was the only reason James and Lily owned a bottle of vermouth, which felt terribly grown up. "How goes the spying?"

James glanced at their friends. "Er, I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that?"

Marlene waved a hand airily, almost taking out the tall beeswax candle resting on the rickety side table. "Edgar's fond of the cloak-and-dagger stuff but most of us aren't quite so over dramatic. We're among friends, you can talk."

Lily slipped onto the overstuffed chesterfield next to him, taking his hand. He smiled at her, leaning into her warmth and the delicate scent of her perfume. The previous day's – and night's – activities, had restored some of his equilibrium. This was where he wanted to be.

"We broke into Prema Pandya's house," Lily blurted, clearly not sharing the moment with him.

Marlene's head swiveled, blue eyes gone icy. Mary seemed to sink into the footstool that she was perched on, and Sirius nearly dropped his glass of mead, noting the sudden temperature change in the room.

"What?" Marlene said.

"She wasn't there – we were just doing a bit of light spying," James interjected hastily.

"Light spying?" Marlene repeated.

James didn't really want to break the silence that followed. It felt almost respectful, and he knew that breaking it would be a very bad thing.

"We found proof – that she'd working with Death Eaters," Lily told her. She had tightened her grip on James' fingers, and he could see how nervous she was, how worried that they had done something wrong.

The frost in Marlene's eyes melted and her spine relaxed.

"Oh – what did you find?" she asked.

The others, seeming to realize that the tension had passed, resumed their conversation. Sirius appeared to be telling an extraordinarily far-fetched story involving two Chasers from the Holyhead Harpies and a Veela. Mary was listening with an air of gentle tolerance, and Remus' eyebrows was disappearing into his hairline.

He turned his attention back to Marlene.

"Have you heard of _velox litterae_?" he asked.

She nodded. "Developed in WWll for communication. Did you find a book?"

Lily jumped in, pushing her red hair behind her ears. She looked excited again. "Her diary – it just said 'convince her', but it wasn't in her handwriting. So James put a bit of ink on a page and it disappeared."

Marlene bit her lip. "Damn," she whispered.

"Isn't that good news?" James said. "That we know?"

"Considering she's a very powerful figure that is pretending to be on our side, we'd much rather she _actually_ be on her side. But yeah, it's good that we know. No idea who ' _her_ ' is?"

Both James and Lily shook their heads. Marlene's smile seemed rather forced.

"We'll figure it out," she said bracingly. "Let's just forget about it for now, yeah? And don't take such big risks again – there's others to do that."

* * *

Lily studied Marlene as she mixed drinks. A gin and tonic for herself, a martini for Marlene, a whiskey and soda for Remus, sangria for Mary, and mead for James and Sirius. At Hogwarts, Marlene had been a reminder not to take everything seriously. She laughed easily and often, and until James and his friends had found someone willing to sell them Firewhiskey, she had planned most of the parties at Hogwarts with the help of her cousin, who owned a bar.

She used to have curly blonde hair that she seldom brushed, and lightly tanned skin with a few freckles, and warm eyes. Now her hair was pulled into a severe bun at the back of her neck and her blue eyes looked like thick ice. She was not unfriendly, or cold, but she had lost her openness. There was a focus to her that almost scared Lily, it was so perfectly precise.

The war had changed all of them. Mary, quiet and calm, had retreated further into herself. Sirius had grown wilder and louder and riskier. Marlene had gained focus, Remus gained a cause, and Lily… Lily lost her way and drifted. She wanted to fight and she wanted to help, but she didn't know _how_ , or even if she could help, if she would matter at the end of the day.

And then there was the fear. It was hard to live under such a shadow.

It felt like living in a perpetual winter. When humans don't see the sun, they wilt. They grow sad and sleepy, they worry, they grow paler and weaker. They pull away from those who love them. And Lily had so many that she loved, and who loved her in return, and the farther this war went, the more unlikely it seemed that they all would survive.

She and James especially. They could not be so lucky as to both survive.

* * *

"Are you alright?" Remus asked her later that night, as he was helping her with the dishes.

"I'm fine," Lily said, wiping a plate.

"Y'know," Remus said thoughtfully. "When people ask if you're alright, it's more of courtesy cause they already know something's wrong and they're giving you a chance to spit it out."

He put a glass away.

"Oh," Lily said.

"So what's wrong?" he asked again.

The kitchen was warm, still smelling of warm bread and tomatoes. Lily supposed the heirloom tomatoes would end up being worth it.

"I dunno," Lily said, hopping onto the counter top and staring at Remus.

He always looked so tired, with bags under his eyes, and a crease between his eyes from looking worried.

"James and I… we're just having a little bit of trouble… connecting again. We're out of sync."

Remus nodded slowly. "I noticed."

"It's that obvious?" Lily asked, stung.

"Not to someone who wasn't paying attention. But yeah. I think James misses you."

Lily sighed, swinging her legs and letting her heels bang against the counter. They made a hollow noise, and she stopped. "He said. I just don't know what happened, Remus. We were happy. We were _so_ happy."

"A lot happened," Remus pointed out. "You two haven't even been together for a year. And then your parents died, and you graduated, and his parents died, and you got married, all the while in the middle of a war."

"When you put it like that, it's surprising we're still functional," Lily said dryly.

Remus grinned at her. Remus had always been her friend, even when she hated James and Sirius. She wished she could do more for him. She wished that she and James could protect their friend from the world.

"You and James never exactly functioned on a _normal_ level."

"Rude."

"I'm sure it'll be fine, Lily. After all, the two of you are spying on Death Eater collaborators and doing all sorts of fun, couple-ly stuff. That'll get you out of whatever rut you're in."

Lily held up her hand, fingers crossed, and hopped off the counter. In the living room, she could hear Sirius and Marlene having a loud debate about _something_ , and smiled. Her family was here, and they were safe for a while.

* * *

 _ **A.N. Thanks for reading!**_


	3. Sectumsempra

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR**_

* * *

Lily and James returned to Prema Pandya's house the next day. The sports car was gone, and Lily could see someone through the windows, directing a broom around with their wand. She frowned. Normally people were more cautious. She wouldn't even let James use magic to cut the grass in their front yard. They'd had to buy a Muggle lawnmower, something that Sirius was thrilled about and James was merely bemused by.

"Damn," James said.

"Maybe we can _follow_ her," Lily said excitedly.

"What?"

"She'll come home at some point – we can follow her if she leaves! To see if she's doing nefarious … stuff."

"How specific, Evans."

"Potter," Lily corrected.

James kissed her quickly and impulsively and Lily smiled as he pulled away. They had been impulsive. They had been reckless and wild and wonderful, and Lily missed it. It had made her feel invulnerable, even though she knew she had never been more exposed.

"That's not very professional, Mr. Bond," she told him.

"Mr who?"

"Never mind."

They turned their attention back to the townhouse. There were more people around today, and James and Lily had found a nearby park bench that they could watch the house from. They had bought some rather muddy tasting tea from a local café, and James made a face as he took a sip.

"Well, we're not exactly doing much here," James said, sounding antsy.

"This is part of surveillance," Lily told him soothingly. "Long hours, lots of tedium – it can't all be duels in dark alleyways with Death Eaters."

"Why not?"

"Real life, James."

* * *

It was a very long day. It had started to rain halfway through, and Lily had been forced to conjure an umbrella, looking around nervously. Prema Pandya arrived home in her cherry red sports car at five on the dot. James and Lily both sighed in relief. Lily was frozen solid, and she leaned forward on the bench to watch Pendya exit her car. She was wearing sleek black robes, with a Muggle blazer and pencil skirt underneath. She was tall, athletic looking, and elegant. She pushed her shoulder length black hair back, not a drop of rain touching her. Lily made a face. She'd forgotten about the Impervius Charm.

It was peculiar, watching someone who didn't know they were being watched. They were vulnerable, unwary, and unguarded. She wasn't sure she entirely liked it. As Prema ascended the steps to her home, the door swung open and a middle aged woman wearing an apron moved aside to let her pass through. The door had barely had time to close when it reopened and Prema appeared, wearing a dark cloak that covered her head.

Glancing around into the swelling darkness, she hurried down the steps.

James and Lily, doing their level best to act like an entirely normal, not at all suspicious Muggle couple, followed her. She didn't take her car, and Lily was almost impressed at how quickly she was able to hurry along the slick pavement in her sky high heels.

"If she Disapperates, we'll lose her," James muttered as they crossed the street to avoid running into her when she stopped for a traffic light.

"I know, I know," Lily said distractedly, watching Prema. "Damnit, why couldn't she keep appointment details in her journal as well?"

"Because it's a spy journal! Not a real one!"

"I'm sure she has a real one somewhere."

The rain was coming down harder, soaking through Lily's woolen jumper and trickling down the back of her neck, stroking icy fingers down her spine. Ahead of them, Prema ducked under an awning and through the door of a small, grubby looking storefront.

Lily grabbed James' hand, and jerked her head at it.

"Salty Jack's Beef Jerky Emporium?" he read, raising an eyebrow.

"Makes a good front."

The two of them crossed the street quickly, heading for the alleyway behind the shop. There was a set of steps leading to the back door. They climbed them quickly, and James pulled the cloak out to toss over them. They crouched there, holding their breaths, ears pressed against the door.

The voices were muffled, but clear enough.

"- you need to convince her, we need a big enough of an advantage to really turn this. You're trained for that sort of thing."

"I _know_ , I'm going to talk to her tonight."

"You're sure you remember the way?"

A snort.

"I did go to Hogwarts you know, I know my way around Hogsmeade."

James punched Lily on the shoulder lightly, in excitement. He was beaming at her and she was reminded of a thousand pranks, a thousand escapades, a thousand kisses.

"That cave system is quite extensive. We don't want to lose you quite yet, not when you're being so . . . helpful."

There was an atmosphere of polite menace that lingered in the air after that statement. Lily fancied she could almost hear Prema suck in her breath as the silence stretched and stretched and stretched, tissue thin.

"Thank you for your concern," Prema said, her voice as sleek and lifeless as her sports car. "I'll go now, I think. I've an early morning session tomorrow, and if you want information on that, I'll need to be there."

There was a low murmur of assent, and then the sound of heels on creaky wooden floorboards, heading toward the back door. Lily and James nearly toppled down the stairs in their sudden panic, but they managed to roll off of the steps awkwardly, still clutching the cloak around themselves. The door swung open, Pandya stomped down the stairs, and turned on the spot.

Lily and James took a hold of each other's hands, still under the cloak, and twisted into the nothingness.

* * *

Hogsmeade was asleep under the full moon when they appeared on the dark high street. The Three Broomsticks was still open, and James felt the sudden urge to burst through the heavy wooden doors and tell Rosmerta all the things that had gone wrong and all the things that had gone right and how generally awful adulthood was. He refrained.

There was no sign of Prema, but as he and Lily scanned the darkness, a piece of it moved. The witch, in her enveloping black cloak, slipped from the shadows like a broken shard of the night.

She kept to the sides of the buildings, whispering along the ground, feet hardly seeming to touch it. Lily and James were slightly less graceful, but they managed to keep the cursing to a minimum as they skulked after her. She led them up the side of the mountain, past the cave that they'd met Edgar in on the night that Megan Wicks was murdered.

She seemed inexhaustible, either not noticing or not caring about the rocky terrain. James was wearing sturdy leather boots and he was struggling – he couldn't imagine how on earth she was coping in heels. As they climbed, he let his thoughts wander. Who was the elusive _her_? And how could one person change the course of this war, so messy, so complex, so catastrophic?

At the same time, James couldn't help but hope for a miracle. For someone who _could_ change the war, with a potion, or a spell, a rousing speech. But war was never as clean and tidy as it was made out to be, and one person would simply be lost in the chaos of it.

Lily squeezed his hand, alerting him to the fact that they'd stopped. They were at the entrance to a cave, high up the mountain. Prema was breathing hard, her breath misty blue in the cold night air. She lit her wand, dithering for a moment at the entrance. James held his breath, watching her indecisiveness. She plunged into the cave, the _lumos_ lighting her way.

They followed her, moving carefully.

Prema seemed to be moving around a lot – ducking when she didn't need to, clambering over boulders when there was a clear path around them. She also was breathing shallowly and quickly, like she was afraid. James and Lily followed her path, assuming that there was some reason.

"Hello?" Prema called. She sounded shaken – a far cry from the detached, fearless voice she had used before. James and Lily halted, fingers digging into each other's elbows, bracing themselves against the dank cave wall.

"Oh hello. Who invited you?"

The two of them inhaled sharply, but it was lost, thankfully, as Prema gasped.

"I was – I was sent by the Dark Lord-"

"Oh him. A bit short sighted, that one. Not very adept at reading _omens_ , if you know what I mean."

The new voice was female, sharply matter-of-fact, and its owner was nowhere in sight.

"I'm not sure I do," Prema said, regaining some of her strength. "I'm here to talk about the cause. To ask you to-"

"Join the club, as it were? You had better come in. But you might want to take care of the intruders first. Little pitchers…"

Prema whirled, her wand aloft, the _lumos_ extinguished. James and Lily both froze against the wall.

"James," Lily breathed. "The Cloak won't keep us from being detected-"

His fingers closed on her wrist.

"Just – wait-"

" _Homenum Revelio_ ," whispered Prema.

There was a low swooping sensation, like an owl diving at your head. James swore loudly then, and the both of them grabbed their wands and yanked the Cloak away.

"What were you thinking?" Lily yelled, blocking Prema's first curse. "It's just a cloak, it doesn't thwart _detection spells_ , you absolute _imbecile-_ "

"It works for some things, ok?!"'

James wasn't sure why, but the familiar back and forth of an argument with Lily made him feel slightly less afraid. He shot her a quick glance of remorse, trying to catch her eyes.

Prema was frighteningly good. She parried and skipped aside, even in those ludicrous heels, and sent Dark Magic at them with elegant flicks of her slender wrist. Her wand was like an extension of herself, like it was moving almost independently.

" _Expulso_!" James shouted, and she dodged, snarling.

" _Sectumsempra_!"

She was aiming at Lily and Lily was watching James and all James could do was stand and stare as a huge gash opened in Lily's abdomen and she crumpled to the rocky cave floor. Prema Pandya stood above her, sneering at James. The blood darkened the cave floor. James could smell it – thick, metallic, bitter. The smell of Lily dying.

James flung himself at the floor, reaching for Lily, stretching his fingers out and praying the next curse would be slow, would miss them. Nothingness engulfed him.

* * *

When they reappeared on the floor of their cottage, Lily's blood instantly soaked into their thick antique carpets.

"No, no, no," James whispered, his hands flickering as he tried desperately to think, to breathe, to act.

Lily was terribly still. The moments between the rising and falling of her chest seemed to stretch out – simultaneously giving him eternity and letting him know how quickly she was fading. All he could see was the wound – gaping and horrible, still bleeding profusely. So detached from Lily as to seem almost comical, so contrary to her.

"James-" she whispered harshly, one pale hand lifting and then dropping. "Floo."

St Mungo's had never gotten around to closing the Floo connection. They'd been meaning to for years – citing sanitation, and safety. But Healers were always busy and the project had gotten sidelined.

James surged up, knocking the small silver pot off of the mantle as he grabbed a handful of the glittering powder and pointed his wand at the grate in the same moment.

"St Mungo's," he told it, praying that he wouldn't stutter. And then, scooping up Lily as gently as he could manage as the flames turned green, he stepped into the fireplace.

* * *

She had been lucky, the Healers told him. Higher or lower, and there would've been more internal damage. If the caster had been closer, she would've been nearly sliced in two. They delivered these facts like he would find them interesting, or perhaps comforting.

When they let him in to see her, he was still shaking, his hands still covered in her blood. Lily was pale, her stomach bandaged, her hair a stark, bloody contrast to her white skin.

"Sectumsempra," he said, and Lily flinched.

And maybe it said something about where they were at, that he did not rush to her side, he did not fall to his knees, instead, he flung the name of the curse at her, a reminder of what her old friend had done and continued to do.

"James," she whispered.

The anger left him. James wasn't even sure why he was angry – it was certainly not her fault, it was his, for not incapacitating Prema sooner. And if he was going in that direction, he might as well just blame the Order too. But he could definitely place some of the blame on Severus Snape, even if it was just within his own head.

"Christ," he said, scrubbing his hands over his face. Lily held out a hand, almost tentatively, and he went to her. He did fall to his knees then, though truthfully, it was more of a slow collapse.

"I'll be alright," Lily said. She squeezed his hand. "It was my turn anyways. I've never had a chance to lie about dramatically in a hospital bed – it's always been you, after doing something stupid."

"Stupid?"

"Sixth year. Carrow. Seventh year – jumping off the Astronomy Tower because Sirius bet you your Levitation Charm wasn't good enough. You have a poor track record, dear."

"Lily…"

"I know," she said quickly, soberly. "I know – we have to talk about this."

"Once you're better?"

She squeezed his hand again. Lily didn't seem to notice that her own blood was on his hands.

"You should owl Marlene," she said instead. "Let her know what happened."

James nodded, letting go of her hand. She caught his back for a minute, and held it, staring at him, before letting him go, and leaving James not quite sure what had just transpired.

* * *

 _ **A.N. Thanks for reading!**_


	4. Kintsugi

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR**_

* * *

Marlene arrived an hour later. She looked bedraggled and terrified, as far a cry from her elegant self as James could imagine. She still had a certain vitality to her, which made James feel slightly less numb.

"Will she be alright?"

"Yeah. The Healers are just checking her a final time and then we'll be good to go."

They stood in awkward silence for a moment.

"I'm sorry," Marlene blurted. "I should have never suggested you join the Order – I thought it's what you both wanted-"

"It is," James reassured her, trying to reassure himself. "She – we – both would've found another way, if you hadn't."

"I'm sorry," Marlene repeated, dropping her eyes and looking almost guilty, "but I'm going to have to ask you more about the person Prema was going to see. We need intel – and I know it was fast, you couldn't call for help – but it's information that we need quickly."

James blinked, looking at her again. Her blue eyes had focused again, hard and icy. It was as reassuring as it was strange, because his memories of sixteen year old Marlene, tan, absurd, laughing Marlene, overlaid the Marlene of now.

"Right," he stumbled over his words. "Of course, yeah. Anything."

"What exactly did she say?" Marlene asked, a bit gentler this time. She steered him over to the cluster of chairs right outside Lily's room. Mungo's was cold at this time of night. The green paint looked sickly and he could smell the astringent scent of Healing Potions. There were no windows.

"She – she seemed to know Voldemort. She said he wasn't good at reading omens, or something. Then she told Prema to come in, but to get rid of us first. We were under the cloak, I don't know how she knew we were there."

"Did she look familiar?" Marlene asked urgently. "Who was she?"

James shook his head. "I dunno, 'Lena, I'm sorry. We never saw her."

Marlene sat back, biting her lip. She looked a million miles away. James wanted to go back to Lily's room, to hold her hand, to talk to her and figure out what the hell was going on. They were . . . he didn't know how to end that. For years he had. They were . . . enemies. They were . . . friends. They were . . . in love. They still were, of course. He just wasn't sure how their love fit into their life anymore.

She seemed to be staring at him.

"What?" he asked.

"You should send Sirius a Patronus. I bet he'd bully the two of you into being sensible again."

"Has Lily said something?" he asked anxiously.

Marlene just smirked, before extricating herself from the uncomfortable plastic chair. "Give Lily my love," she said. "And don't go in any more caves. Go back to Pandya's house once Lily's ok. I'm off to Order headquarters – someone will be sent to the cave though I don't imagine whoever it was is still there."

She swept out of Mungo's with as much vivacity as she'd swept in with.

James remained in the awful plastic chair.

* * *

In the end, he did end up sending Sirius a Patronus, and he arrived in ten minutes.

"Next time you decide it's a good idea to follow an evil politician into a cave," he said, exasperatedly. "Owl me. Please. It'd take half an hour, goddamnit."

"I thought you considered Lily a usurper?"

Sirius sniffed. "She's grown on me. Besides, it sounds like the two of you need help more than hindering."

James thought his expression must look rather pained. "Is it really that obvious?"

His friend shrugged. "Probably just because the pair of you is so obnoxious when you're happy. D'you wanna talk?"

"I think we're restless. Maybe a bit bored. And then just – scared, I guess. It's so hard to love someone in the middle of a war – I don't know why there're all these wartime baby booms in the Muggle world– how could people bring anyone they love into this?"

Sirius took a seat in one of the dreadful chairs. He grimaced, and then pulled out his wand. He quickly transfigured it into an armchair.

James watched with mild curiosity. "Is that allowed?"

"Merlin, marriage has made you boring."

James flicked two fingers at him, and Sirius grinned.

"She'll be alright though, yeah?" he asked.

James nodded, burying his head in his hands again. "Yeah, she'll be fine. But – it was Sectumsempra, Sirius."

It was almost interesting to watch the emotions play across Sirius's face. Shock was chased by anger, was pursued by pain, was followed by fear.

"He's really turned then," Sirius whispered. He looked rather canine, sharp teeth and eyes gleaming in the harsh light. "Fuck, I thought maybe the memory of Lily would keep him away, but I guess not."

"It's not her responsibility," James said sharply.

"No – no, of course not mate, sorry," Sirius replied hastily. "I just meant – I knew he was bad but I guess I didn't realize how evil he was."

"Me neither," said James.

They sat quietly for a moment. James was suddenly, fiercely grateful for Sirius.

"So," James said finally. "Got any advice for my marital issues?"

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Sex?" he suggested, and James burst out laughing.

"Most of my relationships have not ended well," Sirius pointed out. "I don't know what you want advice from me for."

"Cause you're my best mate. And Lily's bro, or something, I don't know. But you know us. You've known us since we were eleven. You probably have some suggestions."

Sirius sighed. The armchair he had conjured did look awfully comfortable. While he thought, James thought about Lily. His mind kept going back to her, anxious, frantic, fluttering.

"Honestly, you just need to put effort in again. When you two were at Hogwarts you had – elaborate plans and romantic schemes and shit. You made the rest of us look bad. Once you persuaded the Giant Squid to dance an interpretation of Swan Lake – when was the last time you did something like that? Take her for dinner in London. Have weekend getaways. Write her poetry, for fuck's sake."

James blinked. Coming from Sirius, this advice was . . . surprising.

"Where'd this come from?" he asked finally.

Sirius glared. "The Witch Weekly advice column. Schadenfreude."

"Understandable," James admitted. "Thanks. And – thanks for coming. I've missed you."

Sirius regarded him with some exasperation. "James," he said. "You saw me at dinner two nights ago."

James waved an airy hand. "It's a bit different from living with you."

They sat quietly for a moment.

"You'll figure it out," Sirius said quietly. "I know it's shit advice and I know it's what everyone's been telling you, but it's the truth."

James reached out and gripped his shoulder for a moment, feeling exhaustion cracking through his bones like fault lines.

* * *

Lily was cleared to go home in the morning. It made James feel almost nervous, watching her slowly pull on her clothes from the night before. They had been Scourgified and the tear had been mended, but James could remember holding her, feeling the fabric become soaked with blood. She took his hand once she was dressed, looking at him carefully.

The expression on her face was inscrutable. James was reminded of fights long ago, at Hogwarts, when she would go blank and unreachable. Sometimes all he had wanted to do was say something to shake her, to crack her, until she finally let loose whatever she was feeling. He had a feeling that wouldn't be productive in this case.

"James," she said, a certain fierceness in her voice. "I love you. I love you, and I refuse to lose you, so we're going to make this work, and we're going to talk, and we're going to have loud, passionate sex that the next door neighbours will probably hear, and fuck it – we'll go to Muggle marriage therapy if we have to."

James gaped at her. He realized he might've tuned out after 'loud, passionate sex'. Lily huffed in irritation and stood, only wobbling slightly as she leaned on her arm. Her solid weight leaning against him was comforting in a way that even her words couldn't match. The reminder that she was here, that she was safe.

"Let's go home?" he suggested, wrapping an arm around her. He felt her relax into his side slightly, and closed his eyes in gratitude.

"Please," Lily said, starting to look a bit worn down after her rather violent speech.

* * *

She hadn't realized how much blood there'd be. The carpets were stiff with it, and she didn't think cleaning charms would work. They'd probably have to be discarded, she thought, with a regretful twist of her mouth. James wasn't looking at them, as he carefully led her over to the chesterfield, setting her down gently. Lily frowned. He never touched her like that, like she was breakable.

"Sit down," she said, still frowning. He sat, tentatively.

"Merlin's sake," Lily snapped. "I'm not going to bite. After that talk we had – well, I suppose I mostly talked at you, but still – I'm sure we can manage cuddling, can't we?"

Lily was sure she looked upset. She felt upset. She hadn't really thought ranting at James in a hospital room after she nearly died would work very well, but she had hoped it would fix some things. The mostly-healed gash in her abdomen ached and she leaned into James, suddenly very tired. She could see the cave when she closed her eyes; see the glint of Prema's dark eyes.

"I'm sorry," James said quietly, finally wrapping an arm around her. His thumb traced absent circles on her shoulder. "Fuck – Lily, I was just scared. I was really fucking scared – neither of us have been that close before, you know that. We've been hexed and cursed and maybe battered a little bit but never that."

Lily could feel him take a deep breath. She could feel his heart beating against her back, like their heartbeats were trying to sync. It was a comforting sound.

"So," he contnued. "I got scared and I pulled away because. Because Merlin, Lily, I love you and it terrifies me and you would've thought I'd have gotten over it, what with loving you since I was eleven but now we're married and we might have kids someday and-"

Lily didn't stop him. His voice was shaking, and his hand against her shoulder was shaking and when she looked at him she saw the boy he had been, overlaid –crooked smudged glasses and spiky hair and all sharp angles. His hazel eyes were still sharp when they met hers, although there was a bite to them that looked like threatening tears.

"I'm scared too," Lily whispered. "It hurts and it makes me want to snap and shove and wound until I'm free and I don't have to admit to it anymore. I wish we could, James. But – till death do us part, right?"

James shot her a slightly quizzical glance.

"I take you to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. Muggle wedding vows. Well, Protestant ones. My parents were Catholic but I always liked the Protestant ones better."

"I don't know what any of those words mean."

"I guess wizards don't really have any religion, do they?"

"No. We believe what we can see."

Lily's mouth quirked up. "Funny. Wizards, believing what they see."

"Those vows were nice. To love and to cherish?"

"Yes," Lily said, leaning against him again. She let herself feel comforted, she let herself feel vulnerable. "I do, you know. Love you. And I even cherish you, sometimes. Like when you fold the laundry."

James snorted a laugh but he kept his arm round her. The early morning light was filtering through the leaded glass windows, warmer and richer than the watery light at St. Mungo's, thawing her from the outside in.

* * *

Lily refused to stay in bed the next morning. She had hauled herself out of their king size bed and was down the stairs before James could catch her, muttering something about stitches.

"Lily," James said, feeling slightly desperate as he pulled his dressing gown around himself. "Can't you just take the day off?"

"I will not," Lily said stoutly. "We're going back to London, put the tea on and get dressed."

James nearly tripped over a footstool as he followed her through the house. "Ouch – fuck – Lily! You nearly died, just stop for a minute, alright?"

Lily looked like she was wavering, but she halted in the threshold to the kitchen.

"Shouldn't we – shouldn't we put us first?" James said. "Really figure out if we're alright?"

Lily looked at him like he was mad, or an imbecile, or both. "I thought we did that last night?"

James pinched the bridge of his nose, exasperated.

"Lily," he started. "We didn't really work anything out. We just – vented. In the interest of sanity and a healthy relationship, communication is important."

"Yes," Lily agrees. "But so is hunting down Death Eater supporters. The couple who catches Death Eaters together, stays together."

James looked at her, hurt. Last night had been the most they'd communicated in a long time. And the fact that Lily was just pushing it away again made him feel like they'd returned to last month, when they didn't talk.

Lily caved. "Look, I'm sorry, alright. Let's – let's talk. I'm sorry – James – please don't look like that."

She reached out and he went to her, because she was biting her lip and one hand was clenched by her side and he realized this was just as hard for her as it was for him. They hadn't had to put effort in, when this whole thing first started.

When this first started, when they first started, it had been with a kiss on the Common Room carpet that had turned into dates in Hogsmeade that had turned into languorous afternoons in the boys' dorm with hands and mouths muffling the other's curses or sighs.

As much as James hated to admit it, they hadn't put nearly enough time into actually talking.

"Alright," he murmured against her hair, as they held each other. She smelled like vanilla, with a faintly metallic edge. "Let's talk."

They installed themselves on the chesterfield with a pot of tea. More to have something to do with their hands, than because they really wanted tea. James noticed Lily's hand going to her stomach and hoped she wasn't in pain.

Lily started to say something, but hesitated, biting her lip. "Maybe we should go out more? Make more plans with friends? I feel like we're both – I dunno, a bit bored."

James nodded, holding his mug of tea closer. "Yeah, I think you're right. That's a good idea. And making sure we talk, instead of just bottling it all up."

"Making sure we remember to be affectionate," Lily immediately said, reaching out to trace her fingers down James' arm. He met her eyes evenly, and then remembered her words from St. Mungo's and flushed. She grinned.

"And make sure we take care of each other. When we're – fighting Death Eaters, and all that."

Lily stifled a laugh with her hand, and James felt a warm bubble of warmth in his chest. He did that. He made her laugh, and he'd forgotten how good that felt.

"Fuck, I love you," he whispered, setting his tea down hastily and leaning towards her. Lily nearly dropped her own tea in her haste to meet him, wrapping one hand around the back of his neck and brushing his lips gently. It was different from the desperate, hasty kisses they used to share when they first started. It was heavy and heady and promising, and Lily's mouth opened against his, tasting of bitter black tea and reconciliation and trust.

They jostled each other as Lily maneuvered until she was straddling his lap, his hands running up her back and tracing her vertebrae carefully, feeling how solid yet delicate she felt. She gasped against him as he helped her off with her pajama shirt, and then he saw the scar running horizontally across her stomach and flinched back, breaking the kiss. She crossed her arms across the scar defensively. The Healers at Mungo's had done a good job. It already looked years old, like it should be a part of her.

"You're beautiful," he whispered, pulling her back, and Lily laughed.

"I know," she assured him.

* * *

Lily managed to contact Marlene the next day, through Floo. Marlene was in her smallish office at the Ministry, head in her hands, piles of paper in front on her. From what Lily could see of her face, she looked sad. Lily sneezed from her place in the fire, and Marlene jumped. Lily had never much liked Flooing people this way, but it was awfully convenient.

"Lily!" Marlene gasped, jumping up and kneeling in front of the fire. "Are you alright? How're you feeling? Do you remember much?"

Lily jerked her head impatiently. "I'm fine, 'lena. James told you everything. Did you find anything in the cave? James told me you were going to inspect it."

Marlene rocked back on her heels, looking impatient. She shook her head. "Nothing. Just an empty cave. Oh, and Edgar asked me to tell you that – er – 'in light of your injuries sustained in service to the Order', you and James have both been accepted."

Lily laughed, nearly inhaling some hot ash. "He said that?"

Marlene grimaced. "Unfortunately. He does enjoy the dramatics – the whole thing was quite sensible at the start you know. Some background checks, a few easy missions to check them out – but it's just gotten rather silly. And Edgar doesn't help, what with the mystery."

There was more of a light in Marlene's tired eyes when she talked about the Order.

"James will be glad. Is there anything more we can do?"

Marlene started to shake her head, but then she paused.

"Well," she said, hesitating. "We are having a meeting tonight, and since you're technically members, I suppose you can come. I'll fetch you both at eight."

"Come for dinner," Lily suggested. "Also – what's Sirius doing? And Remus? And what is Peter doing?"

"They've all been accepted," Marlene said. "It's this damn bureaucracy – no one's quite sure what's going on. It can be quite confusing but Edgar dealt with them separately."

"Are they coming tonight?"

Marlene nodded. "Shall I bring them to dinner?"

"Might as well, James will be thrilled to see them. I'll see you later, yeah?"

Marlene was already heading back to her desk and her mountain of papers. Lily felt a twinge of concern, but repressed it as she pulled her head from the fire and felt herself spinning back to Godric's Hollow.

* * *

 _ **A.N. Whew! I'm back! I don't know if anyone's actually reading this, but if you are - thank you!**_


	5. The Order

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR**_

* * *

Dinner was unusually quiet. Marlene, overcompensating, was bubbly and bright in a way that she hadn't been since Hogwarts, and Lily felt a sudden fierce ache for their life before. They all ate quickly, and the bottle of red wine on the table was hardly touched. Lily wasn't sure why she was so nervous. The Order was the good guys, or, as good as it was possible to get right now. She poured herself some wine.

After the dishes were cleared, and coats and scarves and cloaks were gathered up to ward against the burgeoning autumn, the six of them headed out. Marlene had instructed everyone to bring brooms, and Lily stared at hers with some skepticism. She hadn't flown in a year or so, and she wasn't sure she wanted to start again. Once she'd found the stereotypical nature of them somewhat comforting but now she just found them cloying.

She glanced at James. He was smiling. Well, he was smiling at the broom. He hadn't flown in ages either, she knew, and she knew he missed Quidditch. Once, he'd wanted to play professionally. Sirius looked slightly nervous. Remus was sighing in a long suffering manner, and Peter was grinning like a maniac. Lily felt slightly reassured.

"Everyone ready?" Marlene asked brightly, perched on her own broom like a broomstick model for Witch Weekly.

At a chorus of nods, she kicked off into the air.

Flying wasn't so bad. The balance component wasn't quite as tricky as Lily remembered, and gazing at the city lights far below caused a low swooping in her stomach that wasn't too far removed from excitement. She remembered school holidays and supervised flights with Mary and Marlene when they first started at Hogwarts. The night air was cold on her cheeks but she welcomed the bitter chill. It was numbing, and she had to concentrate on flying straight and keeping her hands steady on the broom. There wasn't much time to think.

Lily didn't recognize where Marlene was taking them – there were no lights and it appeared to be farmland. Marlene was waving them down so Lily leaned forward and dove for the ground, hitting it a little too hard and stumbling. Peter caught her with a hand under the elbow and a slightly nervous smile. Lily smiled back. She hadn't seen much of Peter since they all left Hogwarts, and she regretted it.

She had always liked James' friends, and over the years they'd become less _James' friends_ and more _her boys_.

Marlene was grouping them together, looking around with some concern.

"Did anyone see anyone following us?" she asked, still glancing over her shoulder.

"No," Sirius said. "Did you?"

Marlene shook her head, but bit her lip.

"We've had people get picked off on their way to meetings before. We really can't be too careful."

"Fuck," Remus breathed, and there was a collective murmur of agreement.

"Come on," Marlene ordered, shaking off her nervous demeanor. She offered Lily her hand, and Lily took it gladly. "It's not far."

* * *

It wasn't far. They walked for about four hundred meters through a tall field of grass that whipped at James' legs and bit at his exposed hands. Marlene and Lily were in the front and he fell into step beside Peter, who kept looking back over his shoulder where they'd left the brooms.

"You alright?" James asked quietly.

Peter nodded. "Fine. Are you ok? I haven't really talked to you about what happened with Lily – that must've been really frightening."

James ran a hand through his hair, keeping his eyes forward. Peter had good intentions, he knew. He was a good friend. But thinking of Lily bleeding out on that hard cave floor still made the fault lines in his bones spread a little wider.

"Yeah, we're alright. Mungo's took care of her. We both just want to know who Pendya was talking to."

Peter nodded seriously, and nearly tripped over Sirius's heels when he stopped.

"It's just a bit further," Marlene said. "It's protected by the Fidelius charm – you're made a Secret-Keeper once you're a senior member."

James vaguely remembered reading about the Fidelius charm years ago – he remembered that it was extraordinarily complex magic and he felt briefly reassured that the side they were on had such powerful defensive magic at their disposal.

Marlene grouped them all into a vague circle and offered Remus a slip of parchment.

"Read it and memorize it," she told them. "Incinerate it once you're done."

When the paper got to James, he illuminated his wand.

 _The Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix may be found at Number 13, Tutum Way, Northumberland._

James pressed his wand to the parchment and murmured a spell, feeling the brief flash of warm in his fingertips as the paper turned to ash and blew away in the gentle breeze. As he turned back to his friends, there was a house.

It was a huge, rambling thing, with faint light in the windows and a few murmured laughs coming from within. The farmhouse was painted a light blue, but it was muddy in the dim light spilling from the slightly dusty windows. They stood at the front of a large wraparound porch that had some derelict looking rocking chairs resting by the railing, and a few pot plants sat by the stairs.

All of them were silent for a moment.

"It's not much," Marlene said hastily. "I mean, we're not a large organization and Northumberland is a good area – it's so underpopulated."

Sirius grinned at her. "I happen to think it's a superb secret headquarters. Very stealthy."

Marlene beamed at him and started up the steps.

Lily turned to James and offered him a smile.

"You ready?" she asked quietly.

He smiled back at her and slid an arm round her waist.

"'course. I was always wonderful at being stealthy."

Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Well," James amended. "I was never caught sneaking into your dorm."

"Yes you were," Marlene called down. "The rest of us were just tactful."

* * *

The house gave no sign of being magical as Marlene led them through the hallways, apart from the floating candles that illuminated their path. Their light was dim and they smelled like spice and something stranger, shining golden light on the gentle lines of the house, which bowed gracefully out, softened with age. The halls that they passed through felt labyrinth like. There were no pictures on the wall, no signs of personal life, and James felt a vague flutter of discomfort as he touched a wall and his hand came away dusty. There was laughter coming from somewhere in the house and the effect of it was disorientating as it bounced off the high ceilings and stroked its way up the rib-like walls of the house.

The group of them was silent.

Marlene led them past a rickety staircase, and finally into a room that was brightly lit and filled with dusty air. It was the source of the laughter.

James spotted Professor Dumbledore sipping at a bottle of butterbeer serenely, Professor McGonagall staring at some mildew on the ceiling with a disapproving frown, and a rather battered looking wizard with a carved wooden leg who turned his gaze on the group of them when they entered.

"McKinnon," the wizard barked, glaring at Marlene. "Four minutes past the agreed upon arrival time. Who's your favourite member of the Curses?"

Marlene rolled her eyes, appearing put-upon. The wizard slammed the wooden staff that he carried into the ground, a slightly deranged look in his eyes, and Marlene relented.

"Merlin and fucking Morgana, calm down, Alastor. You know my deep and abiding love for Nila Confringo."

Sirius made a disparaging noise and Marlene rounded on him. "Shut up, Sirius, Kata is a talentless _hag_ and everyone knows it."

"Unnecessary," Sirius muttered, frowning at her.

"Welcome back, McKinnon," the wizard told Marlene.

James scanned the rest of the room. Edgar Bones was perched on top of a counter next to a tall golden haired boy that James recognized as his son, David. James had known David's twin, Bliss, at Hogwarts. The two of them had been in his year. James wondered where Bliss was. Edgar looked uncharacteristically relaxed, leaning back on his hands. Benjy Fenwick and his wife Kalia, who had been two years ahead of James and Lily, were standing by a window, a tall dark haired witch who looked several years older than James sat at the table and a dozen or so other people were scattered about the room. Several of them were wearing bright purple t-shirts emblazoned with a rather misshapen golden bird. A phoenix, presumably. James grinned. He liked t-shirts.

Lily took his hand, leaning into his side with a familiar weight.

Conversation resumed in the room – Kalia Fenwick and David Bones discussing something regarding the Department of Mysteries, McGonagall speaking quietly to the wizard that Marlene had called Alastor.

"We'll start in a few minutes," Marlene told the five of them. "We're just waiting for a few more members."

"Is this everyone?" Remus wondered.

She shook her head, blonde hair glimmering in the brighter candle light.

The kitchen was overly warm and a bit crowded; floating candles spilling pools of light over the occupants. James could smell the caramel scent of butterbeer and what smelled like tomato sauce, with the windows shut against the autumn chill. The floor creaked underfoot.

"We've got small groups scattered all over the country. Some are undercover, some have families, and some just don't like coming to meetings."

Lily let out what sounded like a relieved breath. James couldn't blame her.

"Welcome, everyone!" Dumbledore called, setting down his butterbeer and adjusting his spectacles. A few more people dressed in dark cloaks had trickled in, filling up the edges of the room.

He looked disturbingly cheery, beaming at the gathered crowd and waving. James was reminded of the start of the year feasts.

"I'm glad to see you all here, mostly unharmed. I'm sure that nasty curse will wear off soon, Edgar, I wouldn't worry."

Edgar glared.

McGonagall cleared her throat.

"Yes. Anyways. We'd like to welcome several new members of the Order – James and Lily Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Our thanks to Marlene McKinnon for recruiting them. Mr. and Mrs. Potter have had Prema Pendya under surveillance for the past week – it has been confirmed that she is working with Lord Voldemort. She is also attempting to recruit someone that the Death Eaters believe have enough power to decide the war. There is no information on who this person is."

He paused to let a flourish of murmurs sweep the room. He didn't mention the attack.

"Mr. Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew were conducting a stake out waiting to intercept a shipment of obscure potions."

There was a smattering of polite applause.

"As for the rest of us, Voldemort has been recruiting faster than ever. His Death Eaters have managed to use the Imperius Curse to control many witches and wizards, as well as intimidating a large number into joining their cause. Many of the Pureblood families have grown bolder, and have declared for Voldemort. These families include the Blacks, the Greengrasses, and the Yaxleys."

Sirius stiffened, blankness washing across his face. Peter dropped a hand to his shoulder, reassuring.

"Our efforts must be concentrated on preventing magical creatures from joining the cause."

Dumbledore paused, peering over the tops of his half-moon spectacles. The room was quiet.

"Mr. Lupin," he said, almost gently. "It's very good to have you here."

Remus' brow wrinkled in confusion, until Dumbledore smiled at him. The room remained silent, but there was an air of confusion. Lily's hand tightened on James' and she looked unhappy. She'd found out about Remus' _furry little problem_ in seventh year, and she'd become immediately protective of him. It was hardly surprising that she didn't like the idea of Remus being used for his condition.

"We should focus our efforts on the centaurs," Kalia Fenwick spoke up. She was standing half in shadow. When James had known her, she had been short and laughing, with golden skin and glossy black braids. Now, her hair was cut brutally short and there was a bitter slant to her mouth that looked like it had been carved into her face. "They're one of the largest groups, and they're deadly in battle."

"The centaurs would never join Voldemort."

It was the elegant dark haired witch that James didn't recognize. Her eyes sparkled slickly in the candlelight. "They wouldn't join the Dark Lord and they certainly won't join us – they're an independent party, Fenwick. We've mistreated them for centuries; they won't come running to our side now."

"Going by that logic, we shouldn't even try to recruit magical creatures, Emmeline," Benjy Fenwick pointed out, coming to his wife's defense. "We've mistreated goblins, merpeople, and we would've probably abused the giants if we thought we could control them."

Dumbledore didn't say anything, but he watched the unfolding debate with interest. The warm dusty air drew taut about them.

James' group had found seats, and he twisted around to raise an eyebrow at Marlene, who shrugged.

"It's an ongoing issue," she mouthed.

To James' surprise, Remus spoke up next.

"A considerable number of British werewolves were turned by ones loyal to Voldemort. Most of them hate him – they'd be glad to have a chance to fight."

The dark haired witch turned to him. "Would they be concerned about retaliation? Voldemort has used lycanthropy as a threat against families before."

Remus' face went dark. "Yes. But many could be convinced – they'd probably rather fight for the right side if we could promise their families some measure of protection."

"Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore called. "That will be your new directive. I'll speak to you after the meeting."

Remus nodded, looking troubled. James worried about him.

"Is the surveillance on Prema Pendya being continued?" David Bones asked.

McGonagall looked inquisitively at James and Lily. Lily squeezed his hand again, and they both nodded.

"We'll check on her again tomorrow," Lily said. "I think we should concentrate on trying to find out who she was talking to – she sounded powerful. And the Death Eaters really wanted her. If we could get her on our side, or at least capture her, it'd be a huge blow to them."

There was an almost wistful feeling in the air. The idea of someone powerful enough to end the war was a seductive thought, and they all basked in it for a moment, wishing. The war had officially started in 1970, the year before James started Hogwarts. There had been debate over whether he would go to school at all. His father, protective of his only child, his late in life son, had been reluctant. His mother had been the one to insist on it. For years before the war started, there had been tension. Strange murders and Muggles being tortured. Riots in Diagon Alley and copies of The Pure-Blood Directory being left on porches and quoted in political speeches. Their world was so entangled with hate; it was hard to imagine those roots ever being pulled up.

"Thank you, Mrs Potter," Dumbledore said. "If anyone has anything to add?"

The room was silent again.

"Very well. Please depart slowly. Till the next meeting."

Dumbledore faded into a corner with McGonagall, and the room broke into tense whispers.

"D'you think we get t-shirts?" Sirius asked. "I like t-shirts."

"Do we get t-shirts?" James directed his question to Marlene, who raised a sculpted golden brow.

"T-shirts are fifteen Sickles," she told them.

"We don't just get them as payment for fighting evil?" Sirius said indignantly.

"We need snack money. Chocolate frogs aren't free."

"Fair enough," Sirius allowed. Lily snorted, shaking her head at Sirius, but smiling in a fond sort of way.

The group of them remained on the edges of the stuffy kitchen, waiting as it drained of people and talk.

* * *

 _ **A.N. Thanks for reading! Fun fact - the original Order of the Phoenix actually did have t-shirts. In the Harry Potter Prequel card that JKR wrote for a charity auction a few years back, there's a bit that talks about James and Sirius escaping from some Death Eaters and a few Muggle policemen tried to stop them. They were described as**_ **'** both were dressed in T-shirts emblazoned with a large golden bird'.


	6. Turned

_**Disclaimer... these characters belong to JKR**_

* * *

Peter, Remus, and Sirius arrived early the next morning at the Potter cottage.

Far too early, James thought, rubbing his eyes blearily.

It was a gloomy day, the sky steeped in thick grey clouds. They rested heavily upon the horizon, over full and bloated, like some strange creature stranded on the edge of the sky.

"Morning!" Peter said brightly.

"G'mornin'" James grumbled. He was wearing a pair of pajama bottoms that had seen better days, his glasses had finger prints on them, and he knew that his hair was a mess. He stood aside with some resignation to let his friends file in, hoping Lily hadn't been woken.

"Is there tea?" Sirius wanted to know.

"Make your own damn tea," James said. He was still slightly bitter about being woken. When he'd woken, he had been curled around Lily's warm, pliable body, her legs threaded through his, his face buried in her long, spicy smelling hair. The gentle pitter patter of rain on their leaded windows had heralded a lazy day, with content silence, and perhaps some speculation about Prema Pendya. He had been pleased with the idea, with the idea of stroking Lily's soft side until she woke quietly, and he was able to greet her with a kiss.

Sirius shrugged, unperturbed, and headed to the tea cupboard. Remus pointed his wand at the kettle, which began to boil immediately and Peter Summoned some teacups from the china cabinet. James made a brief detour to their laundry nook to fetch a shirt, which he pulled on. By the time he'd returned, there were four cups of gently steaming tea, and a plate of fresh looking scones. He regarded them suspiciously.

"Peter's mum made them," Remus assured him. "We wouldn't wake you up so early and then make you eat something that Sirius made."

"Why did you wake me up so early?" James asked. He picked up a scone and bit into it, slumping into a chair at the kitchen table.

"Moony wanted to ask your opinions on trying to recruit werewolves," Peter told him.

"I would imagine a lot of them would be rather solitary," Remus explained. "Especially the older ones – being outcasts for so long would be awful. It would take a lot to get them to trust me, even though I'm a werewolf. Also, I just don't know that many werewolves. It's not like we've got a social club."

"Although if the Ministry gets its way, the Werewolf Registry will be more thorough than ever," Sirius said grimly.

"I was thinking of talking to Bela Oaks." Remus stared into his tea as he spoke.

"What?" James asked. "Why?"

Remus looked up quickly, looking discomforted. "Shit – James – you didn't hear?"

"Hear what?" James replied, the bite of scone in his stomach seeming to solidify.

"She was turned last year," Remus said quietly. "Right before we started seventh year."

Bela Oaks had been Gryffindor Quidditch Captain, until she graduated two years before James. She had been the one to bully James into shape, and make him take Quidditch seriously, and she used to become beside herself with rage whenever they lost. She had called the Marauders 'her boys' with a sparkling laugh in her eyes, and she used to stand on tiptoe to ruffle James' hair once he got taller than her. She had dark brown eyes like loamy soil, and short bleached blonde hair that used to stick up every which way, making her brown skin look all the darker. They'd been close.

"By who?" James asked numbly. He hadn't been paying much attention to the news, that summer, but he would've thought someone would have told him. Neither Sirius nor Peter seemed surprised – they'd known, then.

"One of Voldemort's enforcers. Her parents are –were – outspoken. Like my father. I suppose they thought Bela was their best chance at intimidation. It seems to have worked – the Oakses haven't been quoted since last year."

"Merlin and fucking Morgana."

"Yeah," Remus said quietly.

Sirius and Peter were silent, and James stared into his tea, hoping the warmth would heat his numb hands.

"Anyways. From what I've heard, Bela's been working to promote werewolf equality. Even if she isn't willing to join the Order, chances are she knows some others who are."

James nodded slowly, still stunned. Bela was wild and laughing and brilliant, and she would make puns that made everyone in the room groan, and when she threw an arm around your shoulders, she made you feel safe and connected, and she would throw things when the Holyhead Harpies lost a match. James couldn't imagine her being shut up during every full moon to rage and fling herself against the walls. All by herself.

"James?" Remus asked tentatively. "Are you alright? I'm sorry – I thought you knew."

"Yeah – no, I'm fine, Remus, sorry. Just a shock, I suppose."

Remus shook his head. "I was furious when I heard. It's almost worse to turn an adult, because they have to learn a whole other way of living, and of being seen."

James closed his eyes. He wanted Lily's small hand on his shoulder, warm and reassuring.

"It's a good idea, Remus. I'm sure she'd want to help. Can I do anything? I'll come with you if you want – I'd like to see her. To see if I can – if I can do anything."

Sirius pointed his wand at the tea pot and it refilled itself in the gap between James' question and Remus' answer. Peter shoved a whole scone in his mouth.

"That'd be good, James. I'm sure she'd like to see you."

Silence filled the small kitchen, expanding to press against the window panes and fill the gaps under the cupboard doors. The four of them let it sit, letting it push them back from the table and fill their lungs like denser air. Lily entered into this silence, her flaming hair pulled into a hasty knot on top of her head, dark circles smudged like thumbprints under her eyes, wearing an old shirt of James' that swamped her.

"Morning boys," she said, her voice slightly hoarse.

"Hi Lily," they chorused, and she stepped closer so she could perch on James' lap and pour herself a cup of tea.

"What's going on?" she wanted to know.

"Remus was talking about getting the werewolves on our side. He was thinking about talking to Bela Oaks."

Lily made a face that James could only see part of. He watched half of her mouth tug down in displeasure, her eyes half closing as she shuddered.

"Poor girl," she said. "Did you know her well?"

"She was Quidditch Captain before me," James told her, setting a hand on her waist casually. She relaxed into his touch, sending a jolt of happiness down his spine, and he rubbed circles into her skin with his thumb.

"Oh," Lily said. "That's awful, I didn't know. I'm sorry, love."

"I thought we'd go over today, if you're free," Remus suggested.

"Sure," James agreed, reaching around Lily for his tea. She slid it towards him without looking and he kissed her neck in thanks, delighting in the small touches that they'd started to share again.

"Peter and I are still waiting for that shipment of potions, so we'd better be off," Sirius told them, standing.

"I'll come with you," Lily said. "If that's alright. I've nothing to do here."

"Sure!" Peter said brightly, beaming.

"Give me fifteen minutes and I'll be right down. Get James to make you some eggs and toast, he's being a dreadful host."

Lily removed herself from James' lap, and left the kitchen.

"Eggs?" Peter asked.

"Have you got any bacon?" Sirius wanted to know.

* * *

Bela Oaks was living in a rather dilapidated two story house on the outskirts of Muggle London. The small garden was overrun with weeds and garden gnomes, (both real and plastic) and the house badly wanted a coat of paint. It had a empty, lonely air that made James sad. He couldn't imagine Bela living here.

"Are you sure this is the right address?" he asked Remus, peering at the grubby windows.

"Positive," Remus said, but he also looked discomforted.

"Fuck," James exhaled, but he opened the gate and started up the creaking stairs.

The door sounded thin under his knock, like one good kick would knock it down. He could hear footsteps from somewhere in the house, and then the door was yanked open.

Bela had always been short. By the time he was in fourth year, he was almost eight inches taller than her, and he had been a foot taller than her when she graduated. But now she looked almost shrunken. Her cheekbones were high and hollow, and there was a pinched look about her that hinted at too little food and too little sleep. Her dark skin had an ashen undertone that looked unhealthy, and her bleached hair had black roots.

James swallowed at the sight of her and fought the urge to pull her into a tight hug.

"James?" she breathed, and then looked past him. "Remus?"

Remus smiled gently. "Hi Bela."

"What are you doing here?" she asked. "I mean – I haven't really seen anyone from Hogwarts since last year. You heard, right?"

"We heard," Remus confirmed. "We need your help. Can we come in?"

Still looked stunned, Bela stood back to let them pass her.

The outside of the house matched the interior. The floorboards were bare and grey, creaking and dusty. James was half afraid that he would put a foot through one. The wallpaper was peeling, and what light there was came from enchanted candles that spilled puddles of hot wax on the floor. Bela led them into a parlor with a solitary chair, and a decrepit sofa. She took the chair, leaving them to sit opposite her.

"Bela," Remus began, wasting no time. "I'm a werewolf too. I thought you should know. I've been a werewolf since I was four years old."

Bela lurched back.

"You were a werewolf at Hogwarts?"

Her voice was hoarse, like she hadn't talked to anyone in a while.

Remus nodded.

"Dumbledore knew?"

Another nod.

"Oh, Merlin, Remus."

The trio was silent for a moment. James tapped his fingers edgily against his leg, waiting. Bela seemed to be processing, but after a moment, she looked up.

"What was it that you needed?"

Remus hesitated, looking torn. James could understand. Bela looked tired. The sort of bone deep tired that builds up after months and months, like heavy metals in the body, poisoning you so slowly you didn't notice until it was too late. It was the sort of tired James recognized. He'd felt the edges of it, after the months and years of war, but Bela… Bela looked shadowed, and frail, and the idea of pushing more onto her was unpleasant.

"Have you heard of the Order of the Phoenix?" Remus finally asked.

Bela nodded. "Only in passing. Secretive bunch, they are."

James snorted.

"That's true," Remus admitted. "They're trying to fight Voldemort. Part of that is making sure he can't recruit other Dark creatures. Other werewolves, so he can attack more people. They – we, want to have the werewolves join the Order. To fight on our side. Also, we want them to eventually go undercover and infiltrate the Death Eaters to get information. It would be dangerous."

Bela nodded again, slower. She was curled up in the old armchair, knees brought up under her sharp chin, hair askew. She looked more catlike than lupine. Her dark eyes were huge in the dim lighting.

"Bela," James blurted, and her eyes snapped to him. "Why are you living here, by yourself? Why aren't you with your family?"

Bela smiled, thin and tight. "My family – they're not real keen on having a werewolf in the family. And then, what with the Registry – I'm sure you know, Remus, it's hard to find work. This place has been in the family for generations but no one really bothered with it. It's quiet here. Peaceful. I do what I can for young werewolves if their families turn them out. It's not much."

"Would any of those werewolves be interested?" Remus asked. "The Order does offer a small wage for those who need it. We've got some wealthy members."

"I can put out some feelers," Bela offered. "I know a few – they're young, but they're of age. Fuck, we're all young. But I'll send them to you."

"Thank you," Remus told her solemnly. "I appreciate it."

She smiled, and there was some sun in it. It reminded James of the times after a particularly good practice, when she would smile and ruffle his hair and everything would feel safe and warm and glowing.

"And I'm joining you, of course," she told them, eyes starting to dance.

"Of course." James grinned back at her.


End file.
